Negotiation Competence

“Love it, leave it or change it!” This well-known saying is metatheoretically very wise. Negotiation competence refers to the strategy “Change it”. To negotiate with the other person about fulfilling one’s own needs and concerns, to fathom out if compromise is possible, to allow the other time to change his mind, all this is a …

“Love it, leave it or change it!” This well-known saying is metatheoretically very wise. Competence to abstain describes the strategy “Love it”, Being able to cope with things that cannot be changed whilst maintaining inner peace, is a part of functional regulation competence. Those who cannot do this, will, as a rule, be unhappy in …

“Don’t make such a fuss. It is not a big deal if you stay longer today so that we can finish the job!” Lack of relatedness, missing contact and empathy usually reduce the likelihood drastically that others will respond to one’s own desires. Desires then become demands, manipulations (“But you are my dear boy…!”, “Now …

It does not always work easily, not always the same, and not always exactly as one would wish. Actually, that doesn’t matter, either. If it is not easy, one can make an effort, if it is not the same, one can persevere, and if it does not go as one would wish, one can negotiate. …

“How is it that you didn’t know again what I would have needed?” A characteristic of impaired need regulation is that one hopes another person can actually read from one’s forehead what one would like. However, those who wish to get their desires should show and express what they want. This is so obvious and …

Thinking in paradoxes takes on a central role in this system theory counselling approach. What is meant by this? Here is an example: can an almighty God create a stone which is so heavy that it cannot be lifted? This question, posed by a medieval theologian, illustrates the problem. In that moment in which the …

Insufficient separation of needs and substitute needs is one of the most frequent mistakes that can be found in counselling literature. Here is one example: “I would like to become more successful, more confident, more popular etc.”. Whenever people want something, one should examine what function this ‘something’ has. Substitute needs are characterised by the …

Night-time, half past two: “But I want to play!”. The challenge, when dealing with children, is that they first must learn that for the regulation of needs the position of others must also be considered. As an adult, however, it will be difficult, without contact or empathy, to find another person who is willing to …

Without frustration competence needs would become an internal terror regime and one would be a slave to one’s desires. A mature needs regulation consists substantially of being well able to do without the satisfying (not the experiencing!) of needs. To put it another way: the perception and the experiencing of needs must not be linked …

“Yes …, actually I would like to …”. In the processing of needs regulation, a large role is played by how much strength, how much unambiguity, how much inner arousal, how many organismic mobilisations lie ‘behind’ the need. Younger children usually do this as a matter of course: “I want an ice-cream!”, “No”, “But I …