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Need for Distance

To be self-contained and to enjoy it without feeling lonely is a well-adjusted need for distance. For this, you require the ability of holding those, whom you love or who are important to you inwardly present. This ability, which is called object constancy, can hardly be overvalued. If it is missing, then every experience of distance (saying goodbye, separate activities, delegation of tasks, losses) becomes difficult. It then gives rise to control, jealousy, suspicion and endless grief. It is linked to the feeling of dependency, being abandoned, clinginess or listlessness. This can set in motion a vicious circle, because such behaviour and such conditions are usually exhausting and not very attractive for personal and working relationships. Distancing behaviour here must not be confused with living at a distance. Distanced people usually fear closeness and, therefore, flee into the protective distance. Thus, they often regulate their fear of being betrayed through distance towards their counterpart and, therefore, avoid real intimacy. (see <a href=””>Kontakt</a>).

Those who have developed distance abilities can be alone without concern and with a light heart, live in their own rhythm and enjoy the richness of their inner life, ‘without’ losing the inner relatedness to people that matter to them (or having to lose it, in order to escape the internal dialogue of expectation). This, too, must be fostered and practiced. People who are almost always operating in the closeness pole (and are always surrounded by people) occasionally find it difficult to unfold their talents and abilities on their own and to fully develop them (for example, immersing yourself in a problem of learning a musical instrument, artistic activities, home crafts and hobbies etc.), or picking it up again after their ‘childhood’. This is much harder than you might initially think. It is an occasion for counselling which pays off.

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